Inner Bully, Meet Inner Strength

This post is different than the approach I've been taking in my previous posts.  It's something I've thought about introducing here for a while, and it feels like the right time.

Let me tell you a little more about me first, for those visiting for the first time.  As many of you know, my name is Jennifer.  I have a large facial birthmark which also travels down my neck and covers my right ear, the back of my neck on the right side, and splashes itself across my right shoulder.  I also have a hemangioma in my bottom lip, which is basically a benign tumor that makes my bottom lip appear larger than my upper lip.  These differences have greatly affected my life.  I have arrived at a level of acceptance I didn't think I would ever possess, even with its imperfections.  There are still days I'm less accepting of myself.  I see this sense of acceptance, like everything else in life, as part of the journey.  It is not stagnant.  It moves.  It changes, just like life.

I'd like to share with you what has helped me on this path toward greater self-acceptance, true acceptance, not narcissism or inflated (but false) self-esteem, but meaningful and compassionate acceptance of myself and others.

To share this with you, I'm going to introduce you to different characters within me.  I first started to name them and recognize them during my study of creative arts therapy, particularly drama therapy.  I knew some of them had existed for years, perhaps my whole life, but actually naming them, defining them further and recognizing how they present themselves and why, has proven extremely helpful.  Instead of letting my inner bully steer, for example, as I had in the past, I am aware when it pops up, and I have other characters/parts of myself to stand up to this inner bully.

There are various characters I've met over the years.  (Remember, this is in the realm of the imagination to an extent.  These are characters in my head.)  Today, I'll introduce you to two-- inner bully (IB) and inner strength (IS).

Inner Bully (IB)  has met Inner Strength (IS)-many times.  Each time, there is a moment when IB doesn't remember that IS exists, and there is a sense of shock and surprise.  The question that follows always seems to be the same:

"What are you doing here, and how did you get here?"-IB says.

Inner Bully can take on many forms, shapes and genders, but today he seems like an angry, frustrated and bitter man.

"You're not supposed to be here.  Why don't you just go away?  You're not needed here," he says.

Of course IS isn't needed by IB.  She gets in the way.  Let's hear from her-

Inner Strength (to Inner Bully):

I am needed more than you know, or, perhaps you do know, and that's why you want me to go away.  It has been too easy for you.  I belong here.  I've always been here, and always will be.

Sometimes I've been quiet.  Sometimes, I can't quite feel myself here.  That's probably why you forget about me so easily.  You tend to grow louder during those times.  You try to make me feel like I don't exist.

I won't let you.  I have always existed.  I just didn't always know it.  I didn't know what I could do, what was possible, and why I was here at all.  When you did acknowledge me, you told me I was worthless, unnecessary, too weak to carry on, certainly not a match against you.  You were wrong.  You're still wrong.  You may still exist, but so do I.  I'm not going away.
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Do you have an inner bully and inner strength?  Many of us have these characters within us.  You may have different names for them.  They may show up in different ways in your life.  Maybe you've been aware of them for years, and maybe this is the first time you've given it any thought.  Wherever you are, I invite you to let them have a conversation.  What do they have to say to one another, and to you?  Are their thoughts accurate?  Do you believe one or both of them?  How is that affecting where you are in your life today, how you move in the world, and what you think of yourself?

Please feel free, if you feel safe doing so, to share here, and let me and the readers know if you welcome feedback, or just wanted to share (and don't want feedback/comments).  

Please have compassion toward yourself through this process, should you choose to try it.  If it feels like your inner bully is very chatty, and your inner strength is at a loss for words, for example, notice this, but don't "beat yourself up" over this.  Awareness is the first step toward change.

Till next time,
Jennifer